Caitlin Moran's How To Be a Woman

If you haven't already read Caitlin Moran's How To Be a Woman, please do. It's an enjoyable, funny romp through her life from her British-humor, feminist lens. I especially enjoyed the chapter "I Get Married!" and will highlight some of the refreshing insight on weddings in the modern age.

"Weddings do women no good at all. They're a viper's pit of waste and despair." (172)

She goes on to discuss why weddings are really not doing anyone, especially women who get so heavily involved and invested in them, any favors. There is the cost. Why are couples spending loads of money at a stage in their life which is usually one lacking financial stability (and a downpayment for a house, among other things) and when many marriages end in divorce?

"It was--initially--going to be in a registry office in London...After I'd inhaled 600 bridal magazines and taken into account a few requests from the in-laws, however, it ended up being in a former monastery in Coventry, two days after Christmas." (178)

Then there is the myth of it being the best/happiest day of your life. She recounts the story of her own wedding, which she admits was a bad wedding. I can't tell you how unbelievable and, again, refreshing, it was to have someone write about their wedding and talk about the bad parts and why it wasn't such a good idea to expect so much out of one single day. I haven't encountered this kind of funny wit about a wedding ever.

"Then a bat flew in through the window and right into my face." (184)

She then moves on to critiquing bachelorette/hen parties, as well as the idea that getting together everyone you know and love in the same room would make a good idea at any other time in your life. You have crazy family members, religiously sensitive family friends, alcoholics, and other people with their own personal problems all mingling together in a strange place with people they don't know. Sure everyone tries to be on their best behavior, but things don't always work out the way they're supposed to.

"Aside from getting my mother tanked on White Russians, the quickest and easiest way to kill the fun good times is to put a massive pressure of expectation on it in advance."

Her final point is that brides should really, for their own sake, let go of the idea that the day is all about you and everything you want. She compares this to celebrities who do seemingly insane things like buying exotic animals to fill the void that is life. We usually laugh and mock this behavior, but somehow it is socially acceptable for women to behave out of whack if it involves a wedding. She concludes the chapter pointing out that men enjoy relaxing and pampering themselves with golf, videogames, etc. throughout their lives and don't pretend that they only get one day to be about them. They also, she points out, don't face the pressure of changing their name. But that's a topic for another day...

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Wedding Registries

I continue to be baffled at what people put on their wedding registries. Of course, I can't get over the fact that they were designed to allow a woman to tell wedding guests what household and kitchen items she would like to set up a household as a new wife.

Now, they have turned into a monstrous consumer frenzy by couples who think that a wedding is an opportunity to scan every random item they fancy at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and try to get other people to buy it for them. It's still overwhelmingly the women who are picking out the items, but they are putting more and more impractical items on there, somehow forgetting that real people are going to be looking at their list and judging them for silly and frivolous items.

I cannot get over couples putting twenty-dollar trash cans and toilet brushes on their wedding registries. These are ridiculously overpriced, first of all, and who wants to get that for someone's wedding gift? A consumer item made of cheap plastic that will break and be replaced by another piece of cheap plastic. How is that thoughtful? And who wants to buy someone else's bed sheets and pillows? I realize most people don't want their grandma's china set anymore because it can't go in the dishwasher and formal dining rooms/parties are going out of style. But still.

And another pet peeve is when people who have been living independently for years ask for all this ordinary, everyday stuff that you're reasonably sure they haven't been living without all this time. Or when the couples who have been living together ask for items that you know they already have and maybe even have a duplicate set of. I've even brought this up before as a complaint amongst friends, and people will defend other couples wanting "new" things because they're getting married and it's nice to get "new" things even if you already have them. I don't even know how to respond to this. Is a wedding just an opportunity for a couple to get stuff? Get the center of attention, get a party, get money, get gifts, get a honeymoon?

Needless to say, I don't buy gifts off of registries. I like getting people meaningful items that I know fit them and that they will enjoy. If people really can't think of a good gift to get a couple, a) why are they going to their wedding b) why not just get them money instead, because that seems more likely to be remembered than an overpriced trash can or dish towel. Then they can buy their own overpriced items at a local big box store! :)

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Jessica Valenti writes about Battling Feminist Burnout

Check out Jessica Valenti's article on The Nation - Battling Feminist Burnout - for a reminder of why fighting against sexism and discrimination can be exhausting, but also very rewarding. Not all feminists agree on every issue (for example, in relation to this site, changing your name upon marriage), but we do agree that all people should be treated equally and not torn down or made to feel less than because they are women. There are so many avenues of feminist activism, some of which are a lot more combative than others. At the end of the day, is the fight worth it? Well, do we want future generations to have moved past these issues: do we want the girls being born now to have more equality, more freedom of choices, and less pressure to fit a restrictive gendered mold? Then we have to speak up.

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Celebrity Ridiculousness

Apologies for the long delay in posting, but I couldn't help but post a brief ! moment at this celebrity news.

"Today is the day I become Mrs. Hugh Hefner. Feeling very happy, lucky, and blessed," Harris, who was Playboy's Miss December 2009, tweeted earlier in the day. She already has changed her name on Twitter to "Crystal Hefner." (http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2013/01/01/hugh-hefner-crystal-harris-get-married-playboy/1802099/)

Beyond the ridiculousness of the age gap (26-year-old woman and 86-year-old man), the name thing just pushes the envelope. I can't determine if she's brainwashed, airheaded, starved for attention, or what. It doesn't make sense to me. But changing your name seems...like there's no hope left for her. I would not be happy if that were my daughter, or sister, or relative. Does anyone know why young women do things like this??

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When Wedding Dresses Control Us

If you haven't already read the New York Times article by Linda Lee -Bridal Hunger Games: Losing Weight in Time for the Wedding - on how some brides are now going to the extremes to lose weight to "look good" or fit into a particular dress or size for their wedding, you have to check it out. The best story is the woman who went on a feeding tube to lose weight fast, and then had to stop because she was losing it too fast.

This behavior is insane, but you wouldn't know it by talking to these women. They see nothing wrong with picking up an eating disorder as long as there's a specific reason and time deadline for it. And who wants to deny a bride anything for "her special day"?

I just finished The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, and even though it was published in 1991, it is sadly still very relevant to the issues facing women today.

"The politeness people extend as a matter of course to the bodies of men does not apply to those of women: Women have little physical privacy. Each change or weight fluctuation is publicly observed, judged, and discussed." (126-127)

"But if there is a most natural urge, it is to satisfy hunger. If there is a natural female shape, it is the one in which women are sexual and fertile and not always thinking about it. To maintain hunger where food is available, as Western women are doing, is to submit to a life state as unnatural as anything with which the species has come up yet. It is more bizarre than cannibalism." (200)

Enough said.

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Wedding #3 - Let's Talk About Purity

The reception was, like the ceremony, an insert-bride-and-groom-here affair. The hall was decorated with white tulle and lights as I'm sure it has been many times before and will be many times again. There were flowers on the tables and food representative of the groom's home state, but otherwise, you would never have known whose wedding it was. There were sure a lot of gifts though!

As is traditional, the bride's father was the one to do the toast of the night. [The only female voice heard in public the whole day (besides the bride reciting vows at the ceremony) was a woman who later said a short prayer before the meal. That was semi-encouraging.] So, the father gets up with a microphone and says a little something about his daughter finding this guy, nothing out of the ordinary. But then he broaches the subject that I can't believe even conservative brides tolerate - sexuality, virginity, purity, etc. Yes, in this day and age, fathers are still publicly speaking about their daughters not having slept with anyone. I'll refrain from references to the Middle East and elsewhere where women's sexuality is linked so much with family honor that they are shamed/beaten/killed if they disobey the 'rules.'

So the father congratulates his daughter on her purity and says something to the effect of "They have done what many in the world today would say is impossible, or even undesirable." Sure he didn't come right out and say They waited until tonight to have sex, but we all knew what he was talking about. And I rolled my eyes, not because I think the concept is bad, but because I found it so ridiculous that this guy was up here in public talking about his daughter in that way. Like if she hadn't waited, she would be worth less. Like sex is dirty and she kept herself pure from its taint (except for after marriage, when suddenly it's not dirty?). They have linked sexual disorders to our culture's unhealthy way of dealing with sex and marriage, and this is a great example of the kind of message that I believe hurts women. The idea that a woman is good or bad, pure or dirty, based on her sexual history just won't go away. Besides, asking people to wait until the average age of marriage (late 20s) to have sex is a pretty ridiculous concept in itself. And when you see young couples rushing into marriage for this reason (go to a religious college and see it happening all over the place), it's sad.

But the rest of the reception proceeded without much fuss. There was the bouquet toss at the end which can be a humiliating experience for women, depending on the atmosphere. And then the night was over. One day to inaugurate a couple into the rest of a life together, assuming the statistics don't catch up to them. Then maybe she will regret having relinquished her name.

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Wedding Season and Wedding #3

Apparently April is a very popular time for weddings. My Facebook news feed (aka stalker wall) has been filled with pictures of brides and grooms lately. What saddens me is that even two fairly feminist friends chose not to upset some of the patriarchal traditions I abhor and went along with the flow like everyone else. White/ivory dresses, lace and sequins, all the stereotypical poses. For a minute, I tried to compare weddings to graduations and how there's nothing wrong with everyone going through the same ritual, the same routine of wearing black gowns and hats and tassels and marching down the aisle to accept one's diploma. But then, graduations don't carry the same gendered baggage that weddings do. When a woman dons a black robe and accepts her diploma, she celebrates her achievements and looks forward to the next stage of life, where hopefully she can use her knowledge and skills to better herself, her community, and her world. When a woman dons a white dress and accepts being passed from her father to her husband under the watchful eye of a minister (usually male) with some words about a deity (usually male), there is a whole lot more going on in terms of gender.

This month I was a "bridesmaid" in a friend's wedding and it actually turned out to be quite stressful and unnerving for me to have to play along with the traditions and meltdowns that accompany an ordinary wedding. I ended up shelling out almost $200 for the dress and alterations and cleaning, and now have a dress that I don't care for (although it could definitely be worse - David's Bridal has some orange and yellow gowns that I wouldn't be able to tolerate). I had to have my hair done, and it somehow was more tangly than normal for the whole week following, probably due to the large amounts of hairspray and gel placed in it. The day turned out to, unfortunately, be freezing cold, very windy, sometimes rainy, and not suited to photographs at all. All of the ladies were shivering outside and longing desperately for the men's jackets. Who knows if any of the pictures will turn out decent with that weather interfering.

The ceremony was very traditional, as I knew it would be. The father walked his daughter down the aisle. Then, there was a long handing-off of the bride deal - several minutes - which further emphasized the woman was being torn from one man to be given to another. Just like the last wedding I attended, this one had the father responding to "Who gives this woman to be married to this man" with "Her mother and I'" which is better than just him giving her; but still, we never hear from the mother and besides the bride's, no female voices are heard through the entire event. For something where women did almost all of the prep work, it is strange (though not surprising) that they remain silent during the actual event. This is true in most arenas, I know. Women prepare the way so men can take the credit and have the stage.

There were no unique vows or anything to differentiate this couple from the last one that was married in the same place. As I had to stand for the whole thing, I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have to what was being said. When the minister changed the wording of what each person had to agree to, I heard him tell the bride that she must a) respect her husband b) give him praises, and then my mind got stuck on why on earth she had to give him praises but he didn't have to give her praises, that apparently I missed what he said next, which included obedience. Seriously?! I missed that?! Probably better that I did, because of course I can't really say anything to my friend about how I disagreed with all of this junk. She already knows I disapprove anyway.

It was finally over - so stiff and formal but over before you know it. More pictures in the freezing wind outside, then I got to head to the reception and take off the short-heeled shoes which had already blistered my poor feet. I haven't worn heels in years, and my feet were not happy. I would have worn flats, but nothing matched that dress. (insert rant about women's fashion here)

I think I'll save the reception bit for a little later. Hint: it features a toast about purity!

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